The trouble with wanting to become numb is that it's arduous and not an easy task. It's the task that keeps you distracted from the pain, but it's not a task that can fully erase what's come before. It's most often in those times you will try to force a vacancy to save yourself from the pain and then realize after building up all those walls, you're still stuck missing something. More often than not you'll be stuck missing the thing you were working so hard to forget in the first place. Working so hard to forget the matters of the heart.
No matter how hard you try to have a defunct heart, it is a muscle that remembers. A muscle that feeds off a little thing called love. Yet, you recognize that love was the very culprit that left you yearning for the ability to become numb. Love was that little thing that crept in and crept out so quickly that you settled on... trying not to try. It left with you with an ache that you told yourself you'll learn to avoid at all costs. Love turned you into a wandering soul. The soul that tried to stop longing, because the pain of never getting to the finish line was too hard to bear. Love became your enemy and the very thing you craved most. So there you sit, arguing with that little frenemy, that sits inside you. Disputing the idea of building higher walls or giving love a possible encore. The muscle that remembers and the muscle that wants to forget, leaves you at a crossroads. Do you follow the broken pieces down the path of the iron- hearted in the hopes of consuming the pain, or do you follow the path with whatever you have left and a little thing called hope?
Know this, that whichever path you choose pain will still be present, but take a look around... we're all pretty much broken. Life should be spent with walls down and with desire. It shouldn't be spent with the wanting to become numb to consume the feeling of pain, but rather the wanting to become susceptible to consume the feeling of life. You only get one. Don't convince yourself you are too broken to actually live it.