Last weekend, as I laid in bed, thoughts rushed through my brain at light speed. “I’m so tired of being so tired all the time.”
“When people choose to leave on their own volition, is it because they don’t have to worry about bills and going broke and the worry of never making it? I suppose the letting go and feeling free of it all is too tempting."
"They always leave a note right?”
“If I left a note, what would it say?” (Beat, yawn)
“Thank you idiot army, you kept me going. I love you."
"No that's dumb and too melodramatic. Maybe you don't leave a note." (Beat, stretch)
A sudden BANG BANG BANG on my front door interrupts this spiral of thoughts. At first, I immediately think it’s a morning murderer so my adrenaline peeks as I walk to the door. I hear two women chattering outside. I slowly creak the door open and there stand, Nicole and Amanda.
“Are you okay?” they ask.
I immediately think, “Oh God I hope they’re not here for some intervention in regards to me being a grown woman and owning too many Dino toys."
“What are you guys doing here? Am I dreaming?” I really did think I was still asleep. I can’t remember the last time I’d ever seen these friends in the morning light.
“Amanda was worried, your Instagram is gone and ...” “My Instagram ...?” My next worst fear, besides intervention, Instagram deleted. “Are you alone?” “What? Yeah” “Can we come in?”
I realized I was still on full murderer alert and now needed to turn my attention to WHY THE FUCK WOULD MY INSTA BE DELETED?
“Well we’ve all been calling you all morning. Where the hell is your phone? We were really scared.”
There was a beat as I looked for my phone and then Amanda immediately burst into tears. At that moment I realized the gravity of the situation. The night before, at dinner, she heard a lot of fears and worries and I remember her saying as I walked away, “If you get too sad, just call me okay?”
I realized as I frantically looked for my phone, that she thought there was a possibility I would choose to actually check out.
“I’m just so glad to see you're okay!" she said through bright red eyes.
"Look, I searched for your name on Instagram and it says user not found. And we called you a ton and you didn't answer. We were all really freaked out TT." Nikki hurriedly states.
Eventually I found my phone, entered a code and all social media was back and thriving. I showed it to them as if to say, "This is what you came for right? To save my Instagram?"
I was still half asleep, but sunk further into realizing the gravity of how they must have felt all morning. All I could do was hug them and say, “I'm okay. Thank You”. I knew why they were there.
Sure parts of life are hard and I wish I wasn’t such a lone soldier all the time, and I make jokes about “checking out”, but I would never do anything to harm myself and I mean that.
What’s odd is that I THOUGHT about it moments before Nicole jumped my fence and did a SWAT knock at my door. Somehow those vibes went out to people, who I didn’t know I needed, to come and kick the shit out my thoughts and make doubly sure that I knew I was loved.
Don't get me wrong, I know lots of life is wonderful and filled with hugs, love and laughter, but we all have moments of darkness. Again, I would never do anything to harm myself, but I’ve thought about it when the bank account gets too low, there’s no callbacks in sight and I feel simply alone. It only lasts for a few minutes and then I get back to reenacting a movie trailer or filming a terrible dance video. My work saves me on the daily and I’m grateful my idiot army continues to watch what I create.
I know that all of us have been there. All of us have felt so low and alone that the feeling is inescapable and all you can do is scream into your pillow. It’s only human to have ups and downs, but I urge you to remember the people who love you, the people who would break down your door to make sure you're okay.
You are never alone and what you bring to those around you is priceless. There is only one of you.
Even when you feel alone, remember there are people who would suffer greatly without your presence, because you are indeed, loved.
If you fall into a dark place, know there's people around who will be happy to drop what they're doing and pull you back into the light. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Life is not perfect for anyone and I guarantee that whoever you call on has stood exactly where you are standing.
Life is meant to be lived and loved, so whatever you've got to do to get there, do it.