I just want to say how grateful I am to all of those who have reached out to me and watched THE TWISTED NANNY . This is literally what 17 years of pounding Lala land pavement lead to and even though the movie has holes, I gave a performance that my friends are proud of and that makes all the endless rejection worth it. I can’t believe how many of you have thought I gave a great performance! I do comedy and this is the total opposite and I’m so happy it worked. This has been a whirlwind of emotions. 2019 has not been my favorite, but it’s also given me the biggest gift I could ask for. You seeing me, as I’ve always wanted to be seen. An Actor.
Most of 2019 has consisted of much rejection. I was released from my 20th avail for a commercial 3 days ago (which is how i paid my rent in 2018) and still have no theatrical representation. (This is sounding like a pity party, but is very much not a pity party) The point is, when I get this outpouring of support, my brain is better able to let that go and say, “Hey you might be broke AF and struggling, but you’ve got people who’ve finally seen your talent, are praising your talent and are hoping there’s more to come for you. Take that win and swim in it for a while.”
I think from the outside people get lost in people’s successes and assume for themselves that they are not doing enough or should be doing better, when really, most of the time, we are all in the same boat. The grass is always greener in any other yard, on all sides. I’m just sharing what it looks like in my little yard, because no matter how others successes make you feel, you should be proud of you. Don’t ever let someone’s success discount what you’ve done. Sit and celebrate all you’ve accomplished. You deserve it.
What I say to 2019 is bring on the pain, rejection and fear of aging as a woman in my industry, Los Angeles... it’s only made me more of a badass and allowed me to access all that hurt for more tears to be caught on camera, where my soul wants to live. I’m an entertainer and however I can affect people the most, whether that be through laughs, honesty or tears, then whatever leads me there, is the path I’ll learn to love.
It’s funny how all this was released during the holidays. The holidays are my favorite time of the year, but also the most painful and lonely at times. I often wish there was someone to talk about all this outpouring of love to, or to enjoy my bonkers Christmas decorations with, or to watch 3 1/2 hours of Scorsese with, but I’ve just got me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my life and the ability to live it. It’s simply the matters of the heart that I am not so content with. It is a longing that ebbs and flows and I suppose that nagging feeling is the reason this phrase came about...”All you need is love”. It’s why we chase after it and seek it out. It’s why some people have an addiction to it. Love, is what makes us flourish the most.
What I’ve realized is that I’ll never stop wanting or keeping my eyes peeled for love, but in thinking on it, I’d rather have a career. I’d rather be lonely and have a Lifetime movie on TV. God, I know that’s dark, but not everyone gets both. Even with this movie under my belt, I still have never auditioned for TV, so my career is not where I want it to be BUT IT IS GETTING BETTER. Trust me, I don’t take this moment for granted. MY DREAMS ACTUALLY HAVE COME TRUE! I am a lead actor in a MOVIE! This is more than I could hope for, but when you have an artists heart, it’s never really beating unless there’s more work on the horizon. Now why the f%$k does this lead me back to love? Well when times are hard or times are great, it’s nice to have someone to share it with. But maybe all I need is to keep making stuff that can be shared? Maybe it is not the romantic side of my heart I must satisfy, but the artists side?
I was made to create and that I am in love with. I have not gotten to this place without sacrificing and leaving behind the thought of love, kids, mortgage or a steady paycheck. I dove into this knowing well enough it’s gonna be a long, rough road and choosing this road means you’re leaving other wants behind. I said yes to this path and I am grateful I did. It is never easy, but it is exciting.
No matter what I’ll continue to climb this LA mountain and with every knock down, I’ll only grind in deeper because with every little payoff, I’ve affected one more person with my talent, and I think my mom and Abuelita would agree when I say, “It Is what I was made for”.
I’m sure they’ve somehow screened “The Twisted Nanny” from above and I thank my mom everyday for helping me with those tears. She helped me in the way, only a mom who’s watching from above, can. She gave me memories and allowed me to access them, good and bad, to give a performance I could be proud of. I took that pain and made it something great and for that I am endlessly grateful.
I am grateful for your praise and time and love. Spread hugs, love and laughter #IdiotArmy and remember you’re doing great things. Celebrate them as much as you can. And if you just need to be around someone and get a hug or have a hand to hold for a moment, believe me when I say, I can do that for you. It would be an honor. Life is too short.